Friday, June 29, 2007

We recently had news that I never wanted to hear… Cancer.
My Grandmother, my mother's mom, went in for a check up and they found spots on her liver and lungs. Test after test later and the doctors have found spots everywhere. In fact her liver is almost solid cancer.
Finally we were given the prognosis 2 weeks ago of 6 months maximum. With radiation or treatment that might extend by a few months. Not years, months.
It is hard to digest as she is in good shape, health and spirits. Even the doctors mused many times how she should be in severe pain but there is none.
So here we are, the family, having to sit back and watch, wait and pray, while Grandma goes on living. She still volunteers 3 days a week at the hospital. It is hard to believe that she is dying when the reports are how healthy she is!
She did choose not to do treatment as this would only make her final times sickly versus healthier. So she is now in the care of a Hospice Doctor who will manage her pain as long as needed.
I don't understand this. Don't get me wrong, I am not and will not question God and his sovereign hand. He knows how the story ends and Grandma is a key person in many lives of people in her church, community and hospital. Yet, why her. What possible end can there be to this story that is being written.I pray that the end will be healing. That God would touch her and take away every bit of Cancer so she can continue to be there for those who are suffering at the hospital. So that she can show that there is a God who heals. Yet we don't always get what we want.
It could be that God wishes to save some through her life and death. But I still don't understand.
Yet, I do not grieve. If she lives, praise God! Yet if she dies, she is better off then those of us who are left!
As a child I remember Sept of 86 when Christ was suppose to return. It was just before my birthday and Tim Lahaye (The laughing stock of the prophecy community, which is why he went to Fiction) wrote his '86 reasons why in 86' which was followed by his sequels for the next 3 years. I thought it was real. I was afraid. I didn't want to go to heaven yet… But now things have changed. I understand more what heaven is. It is not a perpetual cloud and harp playing. It is Earth, Sky, clouds, mountains, CAVES!! Streams, etc... All in their perfection! I have found myself longing for the 'shadow lands' as C.S. Lewis put it. Not that I wish to go there immediately. I still want to see my kids grow up in years and spiritual maturity. Yet I realize that there is an inner longing for something more, something that I can't quite place a finger on. This is the longing for heaven.
Please keep my grandmother and our family in prayers as we all come to this realization differently, some with anger and frustration, and others with soft reflective understanding. Pray that we will all see God's hand of guidance.

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